


So You Want to Be a Vacuum Cleaner Salesperson

by lyrisey



Category: Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comedy, Gen, Tumblr Memes, Vacuum Cleaners
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29954859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyrisey/pseuds/lyrisey
Summary: Nita Callahan picks up a different book in the library, and finds a whole new world drawing her in.
Kudos: 12





	So You Want to Be a Vacuum Cleaner Salesperson

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the post from unfavorableinstigation and omghotmemes [over on Tumblr.](https://cursmudgeon.tumblr.com/post/645225579583553537/unfavorableinstigation-omghotmemes-i-never)
> 
> This work draws on material from the text of the New Millenium Edition of _So You Want to Be a Wizard;_ this citation and use are meant as satirical transformation, with no infringement intended.

Something stopped Nita's hand as it ran along the bookshelf. She looked and found that one of the books, a little library-bound volume in shiny red buckram, had a loose thread at the top of its spine, and her finger had caught on it. She pulled the finger free, glanced at the book's title. It was one of those "So You Want to Be a..." books, a series on careers. Also on the shelf were _So You Want to Be a Pilot_ , and _So You Want to Be a Scientist... a Nurse... a Writer..._

But this one said, _So You Want to Be a Vacuum Cleaner Salesperson_.

_A_ **_what?_ **

* * *

The first couple of pages were a foreword.

_Door-to-door salesmanship is an art as ancient as it is misunderstood: its public image endures as a hermetic profession, a secret order of shills and hucksters flogging questionable hardware for uncertain benefits._

_The modern vacuum salesperson, who advertises tools more advanced than a Puffing Billy, and contracts with organizations more complex than the building services departments of large corporations, knows how far from the truth that image is._

_And vacuum sales, though exciting and interesting, are often unglamorous - especially in today's culture, when it is expected that a vacuum must work quietly, so as not to attract undue attention._

_However, for those willing to assume the responsibility, do the work, and make the sale, vacuum sales is a profession of endless rewards. The sight of a dust-paled carpet made fresh and vibrant, the satisfaction of knowing you have left a place cleaner than you had found it, of giving someone the agency to remove allergens from their home environment, is thought by most to be well worth the labor._

_Not everyone is suited to be a vacuum salesperson: those without the necessary personality or go-getting, goal-oriented mindset will never see this handbook for what it is. That you have found it at all says a great deal for your potential_.

_It's a joke_ , Nita thought. _Really_. And to her own amazement, she wouldn't believe herself, and turned to the next chapter:

###  _Preliminary Determinations_

_You suck._

_Please understand that this is not a value judgment against you, or even your species: the nature of your placement within Life requires the continual intake of resources to maintain that life, of which one of the most critical is oxygen._

_You suck, but remember that you are a creature of fundamental inspiration._

_And it is that inspiration, that continuous intake of gas and liquid and solid, that persistent indrawing of even knowledge itself, that makes vacuum sales an employment opportunity well within your reach_.

Slowly at first, then more eagerly, Nita began working her way through the assessment chapter, knowing there was nothing more she wanted to do with her life.


End file.
